Book Review: City of Bones (Mortal Instruments #1)

Do you want to know what happens when I really don't like a book and I have nothing to do on a Saturday night? This is what happens, my most detailed review to date. And I giggled the whole time while I wrote it. Enjoy.

City of Bones by Cassandra Clare
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Why, oh why did I waste such valuable reading time finishing this? Because, apparently, I'm a glutton for punishment.

I will warn you ahead of time, this review may contain spoilers!!! I'm not sure yet because I don't really care enough to plan this out. This will mostly be whining, ranting, and general complaining. Remember, I warned you.

Before I dive into this review, I will tell you that I've heard the Cassandra Clare plagiarized arguments, and that this book is basically a reworked fan fiction like the famed Fifty Shades of Grey books. I will not go into those details. I'm just going to look at what has been presented to me in a digital style format for Kindle. So be prepared for jokes and snarky comments that most will probably not think are funny.

I decided to read this book because my fourteen year old cousin asked for the series for Christmas. I helped my family purchase it for her (because I'm their book guru) and I thought I would give at least the first one a shot. I've been trying to read more YA lately to familiarize myself with why it's so popular since I pretty much stopped reading YA when I was ten. I'd make the odd excursion into the wilds occasionally, but for the most part I didn't read much.

This was my reaction to the book:


  WHAT DID I JUST READ! HOW IN HELL DID THIS GET PUBLISHED! DID SHE SELL HER SOUL TO THE DEVIL OR SOMETHING?



Yes, I bolded that. I currently want to rub my head along the floor as I walk in the futile hope that I'll rub this book from my memory. If Sherlock Holmes' Attic Theory is to be believed, that this book is taking up valuable space I can use for my writing and better books.

Let me start with the characters since they're probably the most appalling aspect.

Clary: This little lovely is a fifteen/sixteen year old red-head who loves her sketchbook and doesn't think she's pretty. Sounds like me in high school. I should relate right? Wrong. Clary is one of the angriest, self-absorbed, whiniest little brats I've ever had the displeasure of getting to know.

I've read my share of female protagonists who go down like cheap alcohol; they put up a fight and don't agree once you think you've stomached them. But I liked those gals anyway. Clary is not one of them. She bitches about everything. She gets angry at the stupidest stuff. She also can't keep a solid thought in her head. She wonders about the strangest things at the strangest times, like in the middle of a fight. And she slaps or scratches people with barely a reason.

Let's move on, shall we? Before I throw my computer. She really pisses me off that much.

Jace: I know he's supposed to basically be this popular ideal of fanfic Draco (Now with more leather!), but I honestly thought Draco was a waste of space to begin with. Not because Rowling was a terrible writer (because she's definitely not that), but because he was a terrible person! If I just look at this character without thinking about his developmental origin, I still don't like him. He's a conceited jackass. He's the kind of guy where you're friend looks at you and says, in the sassiest way possible, "Gurl, you can do better." Sure, he's got tattoos and blonde sex hair, but when are those boys good for you?

Now, I'll be straight with you, reader. Think of it this way. Cassandra Clare refers to Jace's blonde curls so often I was beginning to wonder if he was rockin' a perm. And he's wearing leather pants in hot, humid New York weather. His dangly bits have got to be chaffing. Seriously, ladies. That is not hot. All he's missing is an Ed Hardy shirt before he's the douche in the corner of the club you roll your eyes at.

Before any fans read this and freak out on me with: OH NO! JACE IS TOTES HAWT! YOU JUS HATIN BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! YOU JEALOUS CAUSE YOU CAN'T WRITE LIKE CLARE CAN! (I can't even be a pre-teen girl right, and I was one once.) There are no pictures. You are living in your fantasy. All Clare describes most of the time are his eyes and hair. If you are a grown woman and you're mad at what I've said, go drool over Supernatural. The Winchesters are hot, demon hunters, and have better personalities. Okay, marginally better personalities. Whatever. At least they aren't wearing leather pants. Or in puberty.

Simon: The child hood friend suffering from unrequited love syndrome. Yawn. He was awesome until he got all heart broken. Solid friend till the end even though he could have pushed Clary off a cliff and I would have felt it totally justified. The only character that the dry wit Clare tries to use fits. At one point he does tell Clary off and calls Jace an asshole, earning him my Favorite Character Award.

Isabelle: The bitchy hot chick Clary hates even though she isn't that bitchy. I actually kind of liked her despite being a totally undeveloped stereotype. The butt of cooking jokes.

Alec: Isabelle's boring older brother. He's gay for Jace. Hates on Clary because she's also making eyes at his dream man. He's just there for plot conflict. Too underdeveloped to be interesting.

Magnus Bane: I liked Magnus despite his unfortunate attire. He really seemed better than that. I would read the other two books for him, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't suffer through more Clary. Although, he could totally be that sassy gay friend Clary needs to tell her, "Gurl, you can do better." (I really wanted to say that again. I blame the lack of sleep.) Of course, nothing Clare writes is really that interesting, so I don't know why I expect it to happen.

Luke: Clary's mother's friend suffering from unrequited love syndrome. Also liked him, but he should have yelled at Clary more for being a little brat.

Jocelyn: a.k.a. Coma mom. That's how she spends the whole book. And ends the book. I felt cheated.

Valentine: The big bad. More like Bad-Guy-From-a-Can. He's not really menacing at all, or even memorable. Even his name sucks. I'm gonna call him Daddy V from now on because for some strange reason I can take that more seriously than Valentine. Who names their child that anyway?


That should handle all the characters, which I enjoyed writing about more than I thought. Now, onto the next biggest complain that I've read about and couldn't help noticing: the metaphors! Bum-bum-bum! I'll just list a few off:

"The night sky rippled overhead..." How does the sky ripple when you aren't looking at it through anything?

"The moon hung like a locket over the city..." So it just hanging there wasn't good enough?

"She wondered how often he let glimpses of his real self peek through the facade that was as hard and shiny as the coat of lacquer on one of her mother's Japanese boxes." This one broke my brain.

"... was black as velvet." Oh, honey. Didn't you know velvet comes in many different colors?

To describe a mausoleum: "... like an iceberg off the bow of the Titanic."

To refer to a restaurant building: "... like a collapsed souffle."

"... the lights of Manhattan burning like cold jewels." This would be a moment where Clare using glittering would make sense.

"The apple tasted green and cool." How do you taste green?

"She felt a bright surge of shame that burst behind her eyelids like a small sun." If shame looks like the sun to you, Clary, why do you still have eyes?

"... yowling like a foghorn." Does this woman think about what she says? This cat sounds possessed.

Okay, I'll stop there before I start crying. I swear, Clare doesn't think about what she's actually putting down. Everything in her world "sparks," "gleams," "glints," or "glitters." It sounds painful to look at. When I read the descriptions and think about what it would look like visually, it sounds like Tinkerbell covered Clare's world in pixie dust. Instead of making vampires sparkle, Clare made friggin' everything sparkle! Eyes, bracelets, bracers, weapons, random objects in the corner. It stopped making sense. I don't even want to know how many times she uses those words. I kept getting deja vu with those words as often as I saw "like" or "as." This chick needs an editor.


Plot wise it isn't much better. Three objects... blah, blah. Special snowflake girl... yadda, yadda. I actually got bored in the middle of the climax because Clare foreshadows with a brick. I guessed the ending at the beginning. Seriously, she lacks subtlety.

But I want to mention one main plot twist that should have made me gasp and drop my Kindle to clutch at my heart. Yup, you guessed it, dear reader. The Daddy V reveal. When I was reading the scenes with pacified Jace, I couldn't buy it. It became apparent to me that Clare had manipulated her character so it could suit the moment. There was no natural character progression to fragile, doubting Jace from jackass Jace.

This is how the scene should have went:

DADDY V: Jace, I am your father.
JACE: This isn't Star Wars. I want a DNA test. I know we use magic and all that, but science still exists. Hell, there's probably some magical DNA test. I mean, a couple of items and some convenient circumstances does not the truth make. Wow, I just sounded intelligent there.

Okay, I was pretty liberal with that, but I think I made my point.

That, of course, leads to the whole incest-love thing. I read Martin's Song of Fire and Ice before they were a cable show. Nothing will beat the creepiness that is that incest-romance. Well, nothing that I've come across.

Then there are the inconsistencies:

Mark scars are sometimes described as silver, sometimes as white.

Luke's dagger, then sword, then dagger.

The werewolves are strong enough to break through boarded up windows a couple stories up, but not a roof top door.

Light from the open front door doesn't affect Abaddon. Only the light coming through the skylight. Which, when I read it, I had to assume was dirty or frosted. She never clarified.

Yeah. Cassandra Clare, by royal decree, you need an editor.

There are a thousand other things I could go into like how all the characters have the same wit that isn't funny. Or I could go into detail all of the inexplicable rages Clary flies into. Or mention that Clare actually has Daddy V monologue and throw his head back to laugh. But I'll stop before I find myself bald because I've torn out my hair from looking at my notes.

Before I stop, let me put this in another perspective. As an unpublished writer who reads the work of other unpublished writers, I have come across much better. It's books like these that make me scratch my head. I understand if you want to blow an afternoon reading cotton candy fluff, you know, nothing really special, but there is stuff out there that has characters that are genuinely lovable. And the characters are what really matter because that is what the reader connects to. That is why Cassandra Clare's City of Bones got one star. In the end, I stopped caring.

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Book Review: The Rook

The Rook by Daniel O'Malley
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

It's refreshing to find a book that takes familiar tropes like super secret government agencies and the supernatural, and makes them its own. The Rook is one of those. But while just that might appeal to urban fantasy fans and thriller fans alike, the best part about this book is the character Rook Myfawny Thomas.

The book opens with a letter written by Myfawny for Myfawny because she has lost her memories. This set up gives the reader the unique opportunity of getting to know pre-memory wipe Myfawny (Myfawny 1.0) and post-memory wipe Myfawny (Myfawny 2.0) since the rest of the book is littered with letters that Rook Thomas has written to her new self.

Myfawny 1.0 is a mousy woman. Physically she is nothing special with average looks and a petite build. Despite the power to control the nervous system of living things, she prefers administrative work over anything else. In essence, she is the head paper pusher of a secret organization called the Checquy who will cry if you speak to her too loud. O'Malley does a fascinating job with Myfawny 1.0. The reader never meets her, yet knows all her insecurities and fears while reading the letters of a highly intelligent person who never quite lived up to her full potential. I found myself feeling bad for her and regretting her inevitable fate. It's even sadder knowing that it couldn't be prevented because then we wouldn't be reading this fabulous book.

But what opens her eyes in the rain is amazing.

Myfawny 2.0 possesses all the strengths of version 1, but lacks all the fears and insecurities that held her back. She is resilient and capable from the moment she makes her first memories. Version 2 is very much her own character. She likes her coffee different and dislikes the dour wardrobe left behind for her. She's assertive and just as intelligent. O'Malley makes this paper pusher a certifiable bad ass. She might not be able to handle a gun, but she knows everyones secrets. The best part, she felt real. Myfawny is multifaceted coming across as both a woman and a professional without having to tower over people in heels or manipulate them with words. Her greatest asset is her brain and she uses it. This is an urban fantasy character that was very much needed.

The rest of O'Malley's world is just as well developed. I don't want to give too much of it away here because that would ruin the learning curve that both the reader and Myfawny 2.0 must develop. I'll say that the supernatural feel in the book is closer to that of X-Men due to the major variance in the characters' powers.

As for the Checquy, O'Malley has done a thorough job creating an organization to help quell supernatural threats with a rich history and a straightforward hierarchy. While it might have been tempting to show the organization from the combat perspective, the reader sees it from the view of a quiet bureaucrat. Don't let that disparage you, there is plenty of action.

The reason why I give it four stars is that I feel the ending was a bit rushed. Either than that, this book was handled nicely. I highly recommend and look forward to reading whatever else this writer produces.


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Book Review: Critical Incident

Critical Incident by Troy Blackford
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I paid nothing for Blackford's wacky little novella, and I wouldn't be ashamed if I had. Critical Incident is just flat-out enjoyable. I grinned like I was watching a goofy action comedy. I should have known what I was in for when the book starts out with homeless people vandalizing public property with grease pencils.

What I must praise Blackford for is pacing. In such short time he manages to write an open and shut (okay, almost shut) little mystery that involves drugs, murdering robots, corrupt civil servants, and brain washing without falling into bad spy movie territory. This fun little story is one of those rare self-published gems floating around on the internet.

Now, there are a few issues with the book. Since Blackford did the cover, editing, even his book trailer by himself, he missed some things. There is a part where his three male leads (Warren, Bentley, and Hurdy) all swap names for a couple of paragraphs. I was able to figure out who was who by the scenario they were all involved in, but it could be confusing for some. Other than a few other typos, Blackford did a decent job ironing out the wrinkles.

I recommend this book as a fun afternoon read for those who want to zone out and be entertained. I look forward for reading more from him.


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Book Review: It Began With Ashes

It Began With Ashes by D.E.M. Emrys
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I do not often read fantasy written in an Iron Age setting, but I've been following this emerging writer for quite some time, so I gave it a shot. And you know what? I enjoyed it.

It Began With Ashes is Emrys' novel debut. He succeeds in where most fantasies fail by avoiding passages of exposition in favor of action and character development. And when I mean action, I mean lots of action. At lest fifty percent of the book has the characters fighting for their lives, and there are a lot of characters.

The book opens up with Astartes, the 12 year old son of the Tax Collector Nicholas. Then it introduces Kale, the twelve year old son of Draven and Morganna Reinhardt, ex-mercenaries and also characters that get their own time in the sun. While the two boys and the sword wielding married couple are the ones who lend the reader their eyes, there is a whole cast to support each of them. There is Deule and Damian, two more 12 year old boys. McGowan, Draven's employer. Ivebian, Draven's friend and skull-crusher cohort. Not to mention a handful of red shirts that shall not be mentioned for spoiler sakes.

For a short novel, I couldn't help but think, "This is a lot of people, but who's the main character?" That's one of the weak points of this novel. I want to say it's Astartes and Kale over any of the adults because they undergo the greatest character development and ask the heavy questions like, "Why is all this blood and killing not affecting anyone else?" If that is the case, this novel is less about the veteran soldiers and more about the children trying to cope with death dumping its bowels all over them through the adults' sword work.

Emrys' world building is effective without slapping the read upside the head with a history text. Most of it is conveyed through character interaction with the world and their thoughts. It's based in an environment much like Roman occupied England with Viking's beating down on the heads of the poor villagers while their occupiers tax them to death. The names are easy to pronounce, especially if you've played Skyrim. Emrys has a glossary at the end of the book, but it really isn't needed unless you're into that kind of thing. His writing is clear and straight forward enough that the context tells the reader everything.

His pacing is good. It gallops along at a steady speed with only a few pot holes. The village raid foes on a bit too long and the book ends to soon. Yes, way too soon. While It Began With Ashes does have a plot from the beginning that is achieved by the end (Get to the Mercenary Guild.) and follows the story rule of rising action, climax, and falling action; it felt like it needed more. The ending is like the horse smashed into a garbage truck going 60 in the opposite direction. It could have been longer and I wouldn't have cared.

So why 4 stars?

It's a well structured story with an easily understood but complex world. The characters are distinct with their own problems and thoughts that develop over time. And he can write.

Looking forward to the sequel.


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Typewriter Text to Your Computer: The Best Results

In may I did a couple posts for typewriter users on OCR programs for free. Then I made a discovery that I'm mad at myself for not noticing sooner. My HP Photosmart Premium C410 had an OCR function after a document was scanned. I used it, and got the best results I've ever had. It even sent it right into a Word document.

Then I acquired a Smith and Corona Electra 120 from an elderly gentleman who didn't want it anymore. Due to alignment issues with my Skyriter, I switched to the Electra for the final chapters of my novel. And guess what. Near perfect results. There were only about 3 issues per page for ten pages. The perfect 11.5 font translated amazingly well.

The Electra 120. It will get it's own post one day.

So if you're ever in the position for new home office equipment, look for something that comes with OCR software. And as stated in my previous posts about OCR, use a typewriter that gives you the best mark you can.

Previous OCR Posts:
Typewriter Text to Your Computer
Typewriter Text to Your Computer: How to Get Good Results